so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
