I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
