I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
