I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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