I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
