She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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