last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
