oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
