Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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