Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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