Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
