we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
