I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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