Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
