I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
