Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
