So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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