i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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