i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
