I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
