yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
