he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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