My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
