i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Say something about gay babies.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
