Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
