You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
