My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
