I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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