I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
