You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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