my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she pinky promised me she was 18
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
