Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
