i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
