Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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