He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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