just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize