Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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