Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
