I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
