So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Be still, my beating vagina.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
