i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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