I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
