I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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