1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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