I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
