I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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