She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
