she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
