Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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