Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
