What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
