i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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