i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
