I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
