One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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