I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
