Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Randomize
